April 23rd, 2010

Childrens T.V., Part One - Who Let the Slow Mexican Kid Out of the House Without Her Helmet (Dora The Explorer)

Remember that episode of Life Goes On, when Corky was all grown up and married, and he wanted to have a child of his own?

Well, that episode was considered controversial.

But apparently, nobody bats an eyelash when two parents let their brain-dead 7 year old, who can't find her own way home most of the time, out of the house with their newborn twins, unsupervised.

Oh, wait, no. That's not entirely true.

SHE'S GOT A FUCKING MONKEY WITH HER!!

This is the general premise of Dora the Explorer.

A young child, who's a complete and utter useless dimwit, gets to do a load of messed up shit without her parents being around to tell her that it might not be a good idea for her to get into a plane that's being flown by a squirrel, and leave the country.

Dora isn't very bright.

I know, I know. There's a least a few dozen facebook pages dedicated to the fact that Dora doesn't know her monkey's ass from a hole in the ground, but I've got to look deeper into this. It just can't be over-stated enough that Dora is a danger to all small children, if only the impression she gives that when in doubt, ask a pre-schooler. I'm sure they'll know how to rebuild a bridge.

First off, there's Swiper.

Now, I know you want to jump right up and say that swiper is a "bad" fox, right? Bullshit.

Sure, he's been known to swipe a few things. But do you remember that episode where Dora went up to Blueberry Hill and took some berries right from outside Swiper's foxhole?

I'm no legal expert, but when she went through his gate, that's automatically trespassing, and the lifted berries? Theft, plain and simple.

No, it ain't right what Swiper does. But Dora flat out teaches small children that if you're quiet enough, a B&E is perfectly ok.

But if he's that much of a pain in the arse, constantly taking her shit, either a) she should knock his ass to the ground (she's usually travelling with a whole gang of talking animals), or b), her parents should make a coat out of him.

Problem solved.

2) Tico the Squirrel

Dora - "Mommy, I'm going for a drive with a few friends"
Dora's Mom - "Who's driving dear?"
Dora - "A rat with a bushy tail".

Just look at the little fucker. He wears really flashy clothes, his female squirrel friends generally have large hoop earrings and a tonne of makeup, and he drives a convertible.

That guy is nothin' more than a woodland pimp.

And the fact that he's alway offering Dora a "ride" for free? He's got her hooked on the nuts (see crack), and she's locked in.

The girl is a child prostitute.

3) Isa and Boots

Don't tell me you haven't seen it before. Boots and Dora (the crackfiend hooker) come across the little lizard, hiding in the bushes, doing some gardening. She looks over, and with that cute little wink, says "HIIIIIII Boots!"

It's pretty obvious she has a thing for him. And that seems pretty cute and normal, right? No harm, no foul?

Boots is a monkey.
Isa is a lizard.

This is just Nickleodeon brainwashing to warm little girls up to the idea that inter-species sex is perfectly A-OK.

Somebody check out Tijuana, and tell me who's the owner of all those donkey shows. I think I might know the answer.

And then we get to Princess Stump-brain herself. Little Miss Dora. She's being pimped off by a squirrel, hangs out with a cross-species sex addicted monkey, and there's no way in hell she should ever be let out of the house without heavy security and extra soft padding.

The girl is dumb as nails.

But again, before we pick on her any further, let's look again at the parental unit.

Dora - "Mommy, I'm gonna go to Antarctica, ok?"
Dora's Mother - "But Dora? What if you get lost? How will you be able to get all the way there, and THEN all the way home?"
Dora - "It's ok Mommy. You see that 3 year old? If we get into trouble, they're going to read the map and give directions. It's foolproof"
Dora's Mom - "Just leave the pipe on the table dear, and tell Tico I can't work until the black eye he gave me goes away. The neighbours are starting to talk."

The majority of children who watch this show have a difficult time wiping their own asses, yet it's up to them to, at some points, save the lives of the characters of the show.

How should Dora get down this cliff? Should she use the rope, or the rubber ball?

Tell me something. Which one would a 2 year old reach for first? Exactly. Dora's fucked, every time.

Granted, my kid is pretty good at picking out the letter E off of the fridge magnets, but he couldn't tell a left turn from his right nut.

He's 2. He barely knows shit about shit.

So what does that say about Dora when she's gotta rely on his help to get the twins home, before the whole lot of them starve to death, and get eaten by a masked fox?

Stay tuned for the next instalment of RazZ's take on Children's T.V.