April 22nd, 2010

Childrens Television Scares the Ever Loving Hell Out of Me - Introduction

Having a son that's the age of two provides many benefits to an "adult" such as myself.

There's the cartoons you get to watch. The toys you get to play with. The food you get to throw on the floor, and when your wife looks over, there's the pointing of blame at your child.

Ah yes, parenting. All the reasons in the world to act like a complete and utter juvenile, without all the bullshit of having to come up with an excuse as to why you're behaving like a perpetual jackass.

The diapers, the discipline, the occasional annoyance of trying to rub one out, and hearing your son from the upstairs waking up early from his nap? These are things I've grown accustomed to. They're minor disturbances when you look at the big picture of having a small version of yourself that you can teach, love, entertain, and most importantly, your very own midget that you can push over on a whim, and has no qualms about pulling your finger.

Yes, parenthood. It's perfect, isn't it?

So why could RazZ even consider anything remotely involving having a child worthy of his maddened Rants?

Childrens Fucking T. Fucking V. That's what.

What ever happened to "normal" kids programming. Remember Voltron? Good guys, bad guys, shit gets blown up.

Beautiful.

Or G.I. Joe. Good guys, bad guys, they all get shot at.

Or Transformers. Kinda like both G.I. Joe and Voltron combined, but the robots were WAY fucking cooler.

Or even go back to a younger age. Sesame Street anyone? Just fuzzy creatures teaching you how to say your alphabet, count, sharing...all that bullshit.

Shit, even the Muppet Show kicked ass. But they took out all the pesky learning, and put in a rabid pig who fucked a frog, and two older fuckers that watched it all from a balcony, and never had a nice thing to say about anyone.

That, and there was Gonzo.

But I'm getting off topic here.

You see, when I was younger, as mindlessly amusing as some of this shit was, you were guaranteed two things. Education, and entertainment.

AND NORMAL.

FUCKING NORMAL!

Yes I'm well aware that in 4 decades, nobody's figured out what the fuck a Snuffleupagus is, and I don't think we ever will. But he's your garden variety floppy eared fucking white rabbit when you look at the shit that's out now.

A little Mexican girl who's parents let her out of the house, alone, whenever the fuck she wants, even though she can't even find her own house without the help of the 2-4 year olds watching at home? I'm sorry, I'm completely understanding when it comes to children with special abilities, but you should never let a slow kid out of your sight, let alone wandering off into the woods being chased by a fucking masked fox, and her only companions are a backpack, a map, and god damned monkey.

Or how about Toopy and Binoo for all you Canadian kids out there? A mouse with an imaginary stuffed animal pet? Have you seen the stitches down Binoos stomach? That cat was real, he was killed and sliced open, and I know a certain psychotic rat that just might be to blame.

Hell, even Doras' older cousin Diego gets to fuck off 'til all hours with a Jaguar.

So since I spend my days off with nothing but children's programming on the shitbox for 12 hours a day (no, we don't JUST watch TV, but the little fucker won't let me put on CNN, God forbid he doesn't have the 4tones clammering on in the background about some shit or another), I think I'm going to do what every parent out there has been wanting to do for a long time. Put these psychotic, drug induced 24 minute clap-traps in their places , once and for all.

It's time for RazZ to delve into the dark underbelly of Kiddy T.V.