April 28th, 2010

The Truth About VD


I think it is fitting that my first article reflects upon the most popular holiday in February – Valentine’s Day. I should preface this article with the fact that I personally am not involved with a member of the male species in any capacity, so my views may be slightly jaded. However, I would argue that I have an outside view of the holiday and can be more objective then most of you sentimental schmucks out there. So with that said, I propose to you – the clever and highly valued reader – that this holiday was created for two purposes: 1) money and 2) to put men in the metaphorical “doghouse.”

Let’s address the financial and commercial aspect of Valentine’s Day first, as I think this is an easier point to make. What purpose does Valentine’s Day serve? Some would say that it’s a holiday to do something extra special for someone you love. I would argue, why do you need a special day set aside to do what you should be doing in a relationship already? And the rebuttal to that would be – it’s an excuse to get a card, buy flowers or candy, put on a nice pair of paints or dress, attend a special dinner or cook a heartfelt meal, and overall just spend some quality time together. With the exception of the quality time spent together, the rest of those all require money to be spent.

And we are not talking a few dollars. Have you been to Hallmark or some other card shop lately? Cards these days are at least 4 or 5 dollars, and if you want a sparkly or music playing card, you can spend a lot more. You always have the option of buying a cheapie card, but then you look like a cheap bastard.

Candy and/or flowers will set you back anywhere from 10 to 60 dollars, depending on the type you purchase, which can be considered a hardship as economically things are difficult for a lot of people these days. (As a side note, never buy carnations.) You buy a new outfit or at least part of a new outfit for the special occasion, there goes more money.

Finally, you have dinner or groceries to purchase and if you’ve been to a grocery store or restaurant lately, you know food isn’t cheap. Then you have to consider extras like tip money and gas money, and you have now spent possibly hundreds of dollars during the course of one day. What do you have to show for it? For the lucky ones, maybe you’ve earned a night of hot steamy sex. Maybe.

This holiday is also in existence to screw men over. Let me use some examples to illustrate my point. Say you are a guy and you pronounce to your lady that you don’t believe in commercial holidays – you look cheap and like you don’t want to make the effort. Say you are a guy who buys candy and/or flowers – you look like a guy who wants to make your woman fat and wastes money on things that die.

Say you are a guy and you don’t buy candy and/or flowers because you know that your woman will say they make her fat and they die – you look like you don’t care. Ok, you are a guy who cooks your woman dinner and makes a homemade card – you now look cheap or like you didn’t plan ahead. So you take your woman out to a nice dinner and buy an expensive card – she is going to bitch at you for wasting so much money.

I hope these aforementioned illustrations demonstrate that as a guy, you are almost always screwed. And not screwed as in “I’m gonna get some tonight!” because in the end, your chick will probably be too tired, have a headache, or be on the rag.

In closing, I would say just break up/fight with your date prior to Valentine’s Day and save yourself the agony, then get back together after the holiday is over – they say that makeup sex is the best!