RazZ's Rants

How Binge Drinking Prepared me for Parenthood.

This, my friends, is your new hero.

Your new god.

Worship him, as you worship me.

This, of course, is RazZ II, born February 24th, 2008.

Since this most sacred of days, I, your leader and unquestioned ruler, have racked my brain trying to come up with an article befitting the crown prince of IllitPress.com.

Something so poetic that, years down the road, he'd be able to look back fondly on the scripture his father had dedicated to his only begotten son.

And then, like an airborn bottle of Tequila in a Mexican whorehouse, it came to me.

It's no secret RazZ has put ALOT into his system over the years. The drugs, the booze, the drugs and booze...

Pretty much just a flaming wad of death, packaged in a nice little bottle.

At first, when my son was born, I was scared shitless at the idea of me being a parent. Me. ME! Only bad things could happen, right?

Something struck me as odd as the days went on however. There seemed to be a number of similarities, odd as they might have been, between my old life and my new role. I think it's only fitting that I share these with you. So here are the things that prepared me for parenthood.

1. I'm used to being around people who will scream blue murder unless theirs a bottle in their mouth.

2. I've known people who will only crack a smile when they're shitting their pants.

3. I've got a wealth of experience when it comes to showing up to work on two hours of sleep, reeking of vomit.

4. Babbling incoherently? Not only is it a language, I'm fluent.

5. I've always told the wife popping her tits out in public was no big deal. Thanks to breastfeeding, it's just one more thing for me to be right about.

6. Not getting laid for 6 weeks? *Sniff Sniff* Been there.

7. Nowadays, I've got to listen to someone yammer on for an eternity just to get my kid back. If there were a bar restroom involved.....

(If you didn't get those last two, you've obviously never done drugs, and I have no idea why you're even here)

8. Lying on one's back and pissing onto one's forehead just got a little more competitive.

And this might not have anything to do anything with the list, but how many guys have looked at their wives breast feeding, and wondered if there was a way for them to bottle the stuff and make a quick buck?

RazZ is the proud father of the heir to the IllitPress throne, RazZ II. Don't agree with him? Then drop him a line @ webmaster@illitpress.com