RazZ's Rant

August 28th, 2007

I use Microsoft. Eat me.

Ok kids, show of hands. Who out there knows at least one asshole that spends all his waking hours pissing and moaning about the evils of Bill Gates, and how he swears by Mac, or even worse, Linux.

Linux is free man. Like, they totally have this open source stuff, that, like, is....free man.

And my Mac is great for all the creative things I want to do in my life. Like my music, my photography, my....

Listen fuckie. If I have to sit through one more hippie Rant about how Linux will save the rainforest, or the Mac will solve global warming and get us to Pluto, I'm gonna snap, killing anyone and everyone I find wearing a beret.

And trust me, if I don't find any within three feet of my front door, I'll go a-lookin'.

Unlike the do-gooders of the computer world, I'm not going to carry on with some sort of "legitimate" argument "proving" why Microsoft is better than Apple, or the guys who made Linux, or even my grandmother for that matter.

Sure, she makes a mean chili, but I can't use her to surf porn. Well, I could, but that's a whole different bag I'm just not willing to crack open.

Linux is for someone with the time to kill to...you know....learn...stuff. Computer stuff. Stuff I have no patience for.

My toothbrush works. Pop in a battery. Press the little button. Brush, and all the while wonder what it would be like to have a spare to reach those dark little places you dare not mention to the guys because they'll call you a "fag".

This doesn't mean I'm going to rip it apart, learn everything there is to know about a spin brush, create my own, put the plans on the back of the carton, and give it away for free because Colgate is "The Man".

See, I like my teeth like I like my porn. Clean, fresh, and white.

Except the clean, fresh, and white parts. A little dirty bukkake with a horse never hurt anyone.

Windows came free with my computer. Good enough for me.

Now, on to the Mac fuckers.

There's nothing wrong with a Mac. There's nothing wrong with Apple. I've got no complaints. It works for you? Congrats.

But don't give me that "it allows me to be more creative" bullshit. Just because you can now sit in your basement for hours, mixing together shitty midi files and call yourself a DJ, doesn't make it the be all, end all of operating systems.

And your little photography hobby? It's one of two things.

1. Trying to take the perfect MySpace Photo.
2. Editing the sex video your buddy made with his hot girlfriend to put your face over his.

And do you know why he's got the sex tape with the hot girl? Because instead of spending time waxing philosophical on a message board about the evils of Billy G., he's out doing what normal people do.

Getting laid, filming it, and regretting it later.

Which reminds me. I've got other plans. Sorry.

RazZ writes every....whenever....for IllitPress.com, as well as being the editor-in-chief, and an all around kick ass guy.

Don't agree with him? Then drop him a line @ webmaster@illitpress.com